


F**king Rage

by mandagrammy



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: M/M, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-13
Updated: 2015-03-13
Packaged: 2018-03-17 17:32:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3538088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mandagrammy/pseuds/mandagrammy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What If Justin didn't leave with Ethan the night of the 'Rage' party after catching Brian f**king the 'Rage' actor?  What if he chose a different path instead?</p>
            </blockquote>





	F**king Rage

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

Justin stood in the darkness of the back room and watched as Brian fucked his alter ego. He knew he should be angry, but he only felt disappointment. He wasn't surprised at all when he came back here after being told that Brian was looking for him. After spending so much time with Brian...in the highest highs and the lowest lows...he knew the man far better than the man knew himself. It was ironic, if you thought about it. Brian prided himself on his blunt honesty...so honest it hurt...but in truth, the man lied to himself all the time.

Justin knew in the deepest part of his soul that Brian loved him. But he also knew the man was fucked up about the meaning of love. He knew that Brian could feel it but that he was afraid of those feelings. He had wanted to be loved by his family, when he was young, and all it had gotten him was pain. He had convinced himself that love equaled pain so it was best for his own well being to avoid those feelings.

Oh yes, he had allowed himself to love the Novotny's, but only because they had gotten to him while he was still young enough not to be hardened by the shell that he surrounded himself with. Now that shell was an impenetrable shield that protected Brian from harm. He had created a set of rules to live by that made it easy to avoid anyone that might break down that shield. For some unknown reason, Brian met Justin on the one night when there must have been a crack in the shield and Justin had somehow penetrated it just enough to wiggle through.

Now the poor man was in love and had no knowledge how to deal with it. His best defense had always been an offense so that was what he was now doing...going on the offensive. He stood there mechanically screwing 'himself' knowing that Justin would see it and run away. But not until I think this out, Justin thought to himself. He'd be damned if he was going to go off half-cocked and make a rash decision. He turned away and left Brian to his self destructive behavior.

***************************************

When Justin got back to the bar he decided that he needed a little pep talk with his favorite 'second Mother'. He started to look around for Debbie, but before he could spot her he saw someone else instead. Ethan stood at the entrance to the dance floor while scanning the inhabitants inside. Justin felt the urge to turn and run, but before he could make a move Ethan caught sight of him. He gave Justin his best 'come hither' look and raised his Rage mask to his eyes.

Justin stared at his dark haired part-time lover. He cared about Ethan but the truth was that he had been using him. He was so tired of struggling to make Brian prove his love and he wanted love to be easy for a change. Ethan was easy. He made no demands on him. He never challenged him. He tried so hard to be the 'perfect' boyfriend. He fit the bill of what Justin kept telling himself he wanted. There was only one problem....he wasn't Brian.

Even Justin couldn't explain why, but Brian was a part of him. Justin had once read a story in which all souls had been punished for some misdeeds by being split in half. Some halves consisted of a female and male half, some were two female halves, and some were two male halves. Ever since that day each half had been seeking out its other half in order to be whole. Justin decided that Brian must have been his other half. That's why no one else felt right to him. And even if Brian wouldn't admit it, Justin knew that Brian felt the same way about him. That's why Brian and Mikey could never have been a couple despite Michael wanting it so bad. He was simply the wrong half for Brian.

Now Ethan was staring at him with puppy dog eyes behind a mask that looked all wrong on him. Instead of being endearing, which he was sure Ethan was going for, he looked silly. It was as if he thought that the mask could make him seem more like Brian...as if that could ever happen! It was with that thought that Justin faced reality. Ethan was a damned substitute for the real thing, and not a good enough one either. Justin screwed up his courage and made his decision. He pushed his way through the raucous crowd until he reached Ethan.

Without warning, Ethan grabbed Justin by the shoulders and pulled him in for a kiss planted firmly on the startled blond's mouth. Justin wanted to pull away...Ethan just didn't taste right to him, especially now...but he knew he was about to hurt the poor guy and so he allowed the kiss to linger for a minute. As quickly as he could, he pulled away.

"What are you doing here?" he asked a grinning Ethan.

"I had to come see your triumph," Ethan replied.

Ethan looked around the rowdy room. He was amazed at all the glitz and sparkle that he witnessed. Everyone was obviously having the time of their lives. The drinks were flowing freely and no cost was spared at the buffet table in the corner, which was laden down with caviar, shrimp on ice, and expensive looking petit four's, among other goodies. He had never been to a party like this one, and knowing it was all for Brian Kinney's best friend and boyfriend was intimidating.

"Man, your boyfriend doesn't believe in sparing expenses, does he? Like I said before, he must really love you."

Justin had heard that from Ethan before, when he'd first told him about the party, but he remembered dismissing it out of hand. He'd said something about Brian loving him in his own way and Ethan commented that it wasn't in Justin's way. As he stood there, Justin began to realize that Brian couldn't love him in his way...and why should he. He was his own man, just as Justin was his own man. Did he really want a clone of himself. That's not who he fell in love with almost two years ago.

"Hey, Justin! Where did you just go? I said, have you made up your mind to tell Brian you're with me or not? I know we left it kind of unsettled. I was pissed at you for waffling, but the more I thought about it the more I sympathized with your predicament. That's why I'm here...to give you one last chance to choose. You can't stay on the fence about this any longer. It isn't fair to any of us."

Justin shook his head to clear his thoughts. He looked this nice looking, romantic young man up and down. He was attentive, sure, but there was something missing. He wasn't that bad in bed, but something was missing there too. Justin couldn't really accuse Ethan of any faults, but he sensed that something wasn't really right with their relationship. The more he thought about it, the more that he knew it was the reason he had not been able to completely commit to Ethan. If it had been the right thing, he would have been able to drop Brian like a hot potato and move on.

He kept his voice steady as he told the questioning young man, "I have made a decision, Ethan. Look, let's go outside where it's not so noisy and we can hear ourselves think. This is too important to shout it in a crowd of party animals."

A grin spread over the dark haired man's face. "You're right. Follow me." Ethan turned on his heel, grabbing Justin's hand, and moved through the legs of the giant 'Rage' billboard, headed for the exit. Neither man noticed the tall brunet across the room staring at their retreating backs.

******************************************

Brian had seen Justin staring through the netting at him as he fucked the Rage actor. He didn't know why he did it, but it was a compulsion he couldn't fight. He would have cut off his dick before he'd admit that Justin's side affair with the Fiddler bothered him, but the truth was that it cut like a knife. Damn it, he might be a shit but at least he was always honest. Why couldn't the kid have been honest too? Why was he forced to trick Justin into admitting that he'd found someone new that he wanted? He would be damned if anyone was going to stay with him out of a sense of obligation. Justin had proven he was tired of him and wanted to move on.

He was just too young and inexperienced and sensitive to know how to cut things off. Brian knew he would have to prove to Justin that he would be fine without him. Tonight was the perfect opportunity to do that. He'd rip the bandage off. It would hurt for a moment and then everything would get back to normal.

The problem was that Brian didn't know what normal was anymore. God damn it! The brat had taken hold of his heart. Why the hell did I let him do that, Brian asked himself. He knew this would happen sooner or later. He was a fool to let Justin get to him like he did. Justin was special, that was true enough, but the kid would have been better off without a guy like Brian in his life. Brian thought about how he was to blame for Justin's bashing, for his dad kicking him out of his own home, and probably a bunch of other things. He wasn't sure when or how Justin had become more important to Brian than his own self-preservation, but now he was paying for it.

Now he had proof that his trick to force Justin out of his life had worked. He had come out to the dance floor just in time to see the kiss that the Fiddler Fuck had laid on Justin. And now he watched as Justin shook his head yes and then walked out the door of Babylon without a backward glance. Brian removed the Rage mask he wore, because his fucking eyes were clouding over and he needed to clear his vision. What the hell was happening to him? He'd gotten what he wanted, hadn't he? Justin was gone. No more blond boy ass...oh shit, admit it, the kid had NEVER been that...no more beautiful blond with the perfect bubble butt and a passion that matched his own to a tee.

Brian placed the mask back over his face and looked around. There had to be something else worth fucking tonight besides himself. He saw a tall good looking shirtless hunk leaning against a pole. He danced over to him. Now this was more like it. A quick dance, a quick fuck, and dance some more. No strings, no commitments, no attachments, no nothing! Never again, damn it!

****************************************

Justin walked outside behind Ethan. Once they stepped out on the street, Justin took him over to the parking area away from the noise and loiterers outside the club. When Justin found the spot he wanted, he stopped. Ethan made another grab for him and was surprised at the quick move Justin made to avoid being held.

"So, what's up?" Ethan asked.

"Ethan, I'm sorry. Look, I know I haven't been fair to you. But it's not because I didn't want to be. I really wanted to love you the way you have a right to expect...but I just can't. Maybe if I'd met you first...who knows. But I didn't, and I already love Brian. Hell, I'm IN love with Brian. Always have been, and I've finally realized I always will be. He's not perfect, but neither am I. And the truth is that I love him...imperfections and all."

"And the fact that he doesn't love you like I do means nothing," Ethan snapped angrily, his happy mood changing instantly.

"I don't want him to love me like you do. I want him to love me the way he does. It's just a part of what makes him who he is. He's hasn't grown up yet, but he's trying and I want to be there to watch him grow up. We'll do it together."

"So you were just toying with me until you got tired of the game...is that it?" The anger was creeping up in Ethan's voice.

Justin was beginning to feel pissed. If Ethan loved him so much, then how could he think that he would use him callously like that. Ethan really didn't know him at all. Brian would never have accused him of something like that. In that instant, Justin knew he had made the right decision. He chose his next words carefully.

"If you really think I'm capable of being so thoughtless with you, Ethan, then you're better off without me....aren't you? But really, whether you believe me or not, I didn't know I'd feel this way. I hadn't figured it out until now... until this very night. I hope you find the right man someday, like I have. And I hope he loves you more than life itself...like I love Brian. Then you'll know why I can never leave him, even when he tries to drive me away 'for my own good'. "

Ethan stared at his one time lover. He was torn. He wanted to hate him and he figured he would for a while, but he also wanted to hold him. He wisely chose to let the anger protect his heart for now.

"Fine! You've made your decision. So go back to your Rage! I just hope you never regret it, like I'm sure you will in the end. And don't worry about me. There are plenty of other fish in the sea, so to speak. I'm sure I'll find one that won't be so wishy washy about what they want in life."

With that, Ethan brushed past Justin, leaving him standing with a sad look on his face. He wasn't sorry to see Ethan leave. He was only sorry he had hurt him. But now he had something more important than anything else to take care of. He had to make Brian Kinney understand what he now knew to be true....that they were meant to be together. The terms of their relationship didn't matter, only that they be together. Justin turned back to the club and what he prayed would be his future.

*******************************************

When Justin first entered the club he headed straight for the bar. He knew he'd be able to see more of the inhabitants from that vantage point. He saw Debbie and Vic in the corner talking. Emmett and Ted were dancing on the floor next to Mel and Linds, and Michael was kissing Ben in another corner. What he didn't see was Brian. He knew Brian well enough to know that he was done fucking Rage a long time ago. Justin was the only one Brian ever took his time with when it came to sex...everyone else was a 'slam bam, thank you man' fuck.

Just as he had decided to go back to the back room and see if Brian was screwing someone else, he saw Brian pushing his way through the crowd and heading for the back exit of the club. Justin followed close on his heels. Brian was twenty yards ahead of Justin when the blond finally was able to exit the club.

"Brian!" he called, racing towards his lover.

Brian stopped dead in his tracks and turned to the familiar voice. He saw Justin running towards him. Without thinking he opened his arms and Justin flew into them. For a split second Brian enveloped Justin and then, as if he'd been burned, he released him and stepped back.

They stood together, inches apart, like that for several moments. Finally Brian broke the silence.

"What are you doing back here, Sunshine? I thought you were off to join your Fiddler."

"You saw him here?"

"Saw him here and you leaving with him. So why aren't you still with him?"

"Because, you idiot, I'm here with you...where I belong."

"And what makes you think I want you here with me?"

"I don't think it Brian. I know it!"

Justin laid his hand on Brian's chest right over his heart. He could feel the man's heart beating hard through the thin material of his shirt. Brian didn't try to pull away.

"Brian, you told me that it was up to me where I wanted to be. I was confused about what I really wanted for a little while. I started buying into the whole idea of words being more important than actions for a while, but I'm thinking straight now...pardon the pun...and I've decided that actions are more important. And, damn you, your actions have told me everything I need to know."

Brian's heart began to quicken even more. "And what is that, Justin?"

"They told me that you have a lot of growing up to do before you're mature enough to handle our grown up relationship, but you're worth waiting for. They have also told me that you love me a lot more than you're ready to admit and that losing me will be the worst thing that ever happened to you. They've told me that you're willing to sacrifice your own happiness if it will make me happy. It won't. I will never be happy with anyone else, like I am with you. That's a simple fact. I'll take your actions over anyone else's words any day. I........ummfff!"

Brian's mouth came down hard on Justin's. "You talk too much," he whispered roughly against Justin's lips. Brian pressed his lips even harder against his lover's mouth and felt the heat rise like magic between them. That familiar surge of pleasure that only Justin could arouse in him, began to build in Brian. He wrapped his arms tightly around the young man and held him close. They both could now feel their hearts beating in time with each other. Brian leaned against the wall behind him and drank in Justin's taste, smell, and feel. He couldn't believe that he had come so close to losing this...this magical feeling that he got every time Justin was in his arms. He might not believe in his mother's God, but he thanked whatever powers that be for bringing Justin into his life. He knew, as sure as night followed day, that he'd screw up with the kid again sometimes but he'd never try to make his Sunshine believe again that he didn't care whether they were together or not.

Their kiss lingered on and on. Finally they had to part for breath's sake. They could both feel their arousal as it begged for attention. Brian looked down at a flushed Justin.

"Take me home, Brian!"

"Yes!" was all Brian needed to say.

The End


End file.
